It is now 12:00 noon. After seeing Jared last night, Rhonda and I came back to the stem cell room and went to sleep. We got up around 8:25. William left to go downstairs. While I was still lying down, I came to the realization that the doctors had done all they could and that we had done all we could...
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That is all I wrote in my journal that day. What I write next will be from memory. Things that stood out to me during that day. I'm a little fuzzy on some things but others I can remember well. Some of you may have been there and remember things differently. Just know that these memories come from a mother's heart that was breaking at the time.
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When we went downstairs to see Jared, the news was not good. The doctors did not think he would make it through the day. One of the doctors was surprised that Jared was still with us. All of the family and friends gathered in a room that the hospital provided. We stood in a circle and held hands. We shared what the doctors had told us and Pastor Lynn prayed. I asked that no one tell Jared good bye when they visited with him. I didn't know if Jared was aware of what was going on but if he was I did not want him to hear voices telling him goodbye and he not be able to respond. I wanted him to hear voices that encouraged him and told him how much he was loved.
I think everyone went back to the waiting area and some started visiting Jared. I went to the chapel. I sat down in one of the chairs and prayed silently. I kept asking God to tell me that Jared was going to be okay. I wanted reassurance that God was going to heal Jared. I didn't hear anything. I sat for a while and then went back to the waiting area.
We had praise music playing in Jared's room. Selena, my sister, had bought a teddy bear from the gift shop and we put it next to Jared on his bed. We spent the morning visiting with each other and going to see Jared.
At 2:30, visiting hours were over. I wanted to stay but the nurse told me she would call me if anything changed. I don't remember what we did. I think we went to the cafeteria to get a bite to eat.
We all went back upstairs when we could start visiting Jared again. William, Adam and I sat with Jared. The nurse said that everything was fine while we were gone. She had turned up the praise music and stayed with him. I remember sitting beside his bed and watching the numbers on the screen. His H2O stat started slowly dropping. His heartbeat was a little slower. Tears streamed down my face as I watched helplessly. There was nothing I could do but trust.
I think Joyce started walking back and we asked her to have all of the grandparents come back. My mom, Tom, Dess, Mark, Joyce, Adam, William and I were all in the room as Jared took his last breaths. William had reached over to hug Jared and was holding him. I was hugging my mom. My dad was holding Adam and Joyce. Tom and Dess were holding each other. My mom and I were both crying. I remember looking over and seeing Tom crying. What a moment for all of us.
When the realization set in what had happened I quickly moved by William and to touch my baby.
I'm not sure how long we stayed in Jared's room. We all moved back to the room we had gathered in earlier. I remember sitting down in a chair and bending over with my head in my hands. Someone started talking to me and I said I didn't want to talk.
The doctors wanted to talk with William and me so we went to a small room that was nearby. I think it was Dr. Gratias and Dr. Reddy. She told us the hardest thing would be for us to leave the hospital without Jared. We discussed a few things and then went back with everyone else.
The hospital staff were getting Jared ready for all of us to see him again. They were removing the ventilator tubing, etc. and had moved him to another room. Everyone went in and stood around the bed. I told them to touch Jared. That he would never feel this way again. As we all stood around, I had thoughts of how Elisha in 2 Kings Chapter 4 prayed to the LORD and laid on top of the Shunammite's son after he died and the son came back to life. I considered doing the same thing but it would have been me. God wasn't telling me to do it.
We left the room. I'm not sure where everyone went. Our friends, Colleen and Mike, had come to the hospital when they heard the news about Jared. Rhonda, Colleen and I went up to the stem cell room. It was time to start packing up. Soon others joined us. We packed up our clothes, etc. We took cards off the wall that I had put up from friends and family. We gathered all of our items for the trip home.
Rhonda asked me if I needed time alone in the stem cell room before we left. I told her yes. Everyone left except for me. (What a blessing to have a friend that knows what you need even before you do.) I sat down in the rocking chair. The room was empty except for the fold out chairs that we had slept on and the rocking chair. I thought about Jared. I remembered our times together in the room. I sat and rocked. Eventually I knew I had to leave so I stood up and walked out the door.
We all gathered downstairs in the hospital lobby. Jody was going to drive William's truck. Rhonda was going to drive William, Adam and I home in the van. Everyone hugged and said goodbye knowing we would see each other soon at home.
We left for the long drive home. We had taken the middle seat out of the van a while back so we had a seat in the very back and the two seats in the front. Rhonda was in the driver's seat, I was in the passenger seat, William sat in the back and Adam roamed between the two of us. We were all upset. We cried. We hugged. William was busy in the back writing with a flashlight for light.
It was late night early morning when we arrived home. It's been six and a half weeks (46 days) since Jared and I left home. We left in winter. I came back to spring.
We unloaded the car and came inside the house. We all walked around in a daze. We listened to music, prayed, and walked around. I don't think any of us knew quite how to act.
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| Rudy under the Tree - 2002 |
It was 3:00 or so before we went to bed not knowing what the rest of the week would bring.
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The next few days I will write about the events leading to Jared's funeral and details from that day. Not sure after that. I've found other things that I wrote along the way. Know that I appreciate all of you and that you've taken time out of your busy lives to read about one of our special sons named Jared.
God bless you it must have been so hard to lose Jared , I hope your heart has started to heal now and that you find peace every time you look at the "fringe" tree, for it to have bloomed like that at that time must surely have been a sign from your son that he was at peace with the lord and in no more pain .
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